by Michael Less

Teen idols Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have been subpoenaed to testify before the House Ways and Means Committee concerning the growing number of teen breast implant surgeries.

"If ther's a way to get into their pants, I want to find the means," House Speaker Tom DeLay quipped.

Spears and Lohan are both expected to testify that they underwent cosmetic breast implant surgery as national interest, concern, and other things continue to rise over the increasing interest in breast implants among women as young as two.

"All of us teen starlets are in competition with one another," Spears cooed in a recent interview. "It's important to see which boob is the biggest."

Lohan, whose chest freckles have been stretched to three times their former size, said, "I believe it's what's up front that counts. Pinafores worked fine in "Parent Trap", but now it's the pinups that matter."

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist offered to undertake a medical study of the issue.

Obvious scar tissue.

"As I learned so vividly in the Terri Schiavo case, there is no substitute for a personal medical exam," he said. "I want these young women to know that I am perfectly willing to volunteer my services for free to give them a complete medical checkup from stems to sternum."

"And I'm willing to do this in closed session," Frist offered magnanimously.

"I believe that the future of Silicon Valley is vital to the economic well-being of the country," said President Bush upon hearing of the prospective testimony.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld showed an unusual interest in the inquiry as well.

"Chest implants might do away entirely with the need for body armor. Can you imagine a burst of shrapnel hitting a fake boob, only to send salt water and silicon splattering all over the place?"

When asked what it might do to the morale of male soldiers to be required to undergo silicon breast implants, Rumsfeld noted that recruiting was going so badly that the Army could use all the cross-dressers it could find.

"And, hey, if we can send troops on missions in unprotected vehicles and with no body armor, a little cosmetic surgery seems like a small sacrifice by comparison," he added."

Their shared experience has led Lohan and Spears to announce plans to collaborate on a new album. Recalling Spears' previous spit-swapping spree with aging rocker Madonna, they have decided to remake one of Madonna's most famous hits into "Like a Surgeon", minus the hilarious intelligent parody found in the Weird Al Yankovic rendition by the same name. When the two singers wear their tribute cone bras in the upcoming video, they will have custom made DDD cups with the tips cut out for better viewing.

"It's something we learned from Janet Jackson," Lohan explained.

The two starlets agree that the message they'll be sending in their testimony will encourage the surgery.

"We need to make a clean breast of the whole thing in our appearance before Congress," Spears said. "I mean, if young girls aren't free to get boob jobs, then who knows, maybe tomorrow they'll outlaw Vegas weddings or some other important part of our rights. We need more than just the right to bare arms; we should have the right to show off our boobies, too."

From The Enduring Vision