Chirac Demands More Time for U.N. Face Inspectors

At the United Nations today, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell offered what he called “conclusive proof” that the singer Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery, but failed to convince France.

In his presentation, Mr. Powell first showed two photos of Mr. Jackson, taken in 1979 and 2003, to illustrate the dramatic transformation of the singer’s face from human to Halloween mask.

As Security Council members watched intently, Mr. Powell then played a tape of a recent court appearance by Mr. Jackson, during which the tip of his nose appeared to fall from his face and onto the floor.

Finally, Mr. Powell played a tape of the ABC program “20/20” in which Mr. Jackson admitted he had plastic surgery, after which a visibly frustrated Mr. Powell turned to the ambassador from France and said, “How much more freaking proof do you clowns need?”

While the French ambassador did not respond, impassively sipping on a glass of red wine while reading a book by Camus, later in the day French President Jacques Chirac had harsh words for Mr. Powell, saying that the Secretary of State “had proved nothing.”

President Chirac added that the United Nations should grant its official face inspection team more time to look at Mr. Jackson’s head to determine whether the singer had plastic surgery or not.

In related news, President Chirac said the U.S. had failed to show convincing proof that Jennifer Lopez has a big ass.